Caitlyn Jenner
- Thread starter novabubba
- Start date
I don't wander over to Bench Warmers too often, maybe once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I saw this thread yesterday and considered responding but wanted to think about it a bit. This is a long response, hopefully people will take the time to read it. This is a serious subject and one I don't take lightly nor do I joke about it. That said, I realize this thread is on Bench Warmers where pretty much anything goes.
I don't claim to be any sort of an expert on transgender people but I do have personal experience with a similar situation as the Jenner family (although we don't have a reality TV show, a magazine cover, or a million plus Twitter followers). One of my children is transgender. I am not going to delve into the myriad of details of our situation but I will say the last two years are unlike anything I ever envisioned having to face when we first decided to have children 20+ years ago.
Drinking, drugs, sex, bad grades, sports, college, SATs, AP classes, teenage drama, boyfriends, girlfriends, questionable friends, peer pressure, bullying, mean girls, pregnancy, abortion, drunk driving, automobile accident - the possibility that one of our kids might be gay. These are the sort of things I expected to have to deal with as our children grew up. Ever heard the expression "When you have a boy you have to worry about one dick but when you have a girl you have to worry about them all!" Having a transgender child just wasn't on my worry about list of things I would be dealing with at some point in my life. Never even crossed my mind.
My wife actually figured out what was going on with our child before our child did. We began seeing a lot of unusual and reckless behavior. Very uncharacteristic of what our child had been like for all of their brief life up to that point. My wife started reading and researching about the various things we were seeing and came across a book called Helping your Transgender Teen. If you are truly curious and want to educate yourself, it is a good read. It will cost you $10 and probably takes 45 minutes to get through the whole thing. As concise as this book is, it hit on many things our family was dealing with and helped explain why certain behavior was happening.
Once we knew our child was transgender it was a new beginning of sorts for our family. There are a whole host of decisions to make for the transgender person to make and the rest of the family to come to terms with and ultimately accept. How does the transgender person want to live? How public do they want to be? Do they want to come out? If so, when and how? If they do, what does it mean to: Siblings? Family? Grandparents? Friends? Relatives? Classmates? These are deeply personal decisions that we could not make for our child, they have to be made on their timeline and based on their comfort level. There just aren't that many people you can turn to for guidance or advice as a parent or for the transgender person them self.
There are no right and wrong answers to any of these questions and our family has had our share of ups and downs and starts and stops. We had a number of "two steps forward, one step back" situations over the past couple years and while things are fairly stable at this point, there are still a lot left to do. At our child has been "out publicly" for little more than a year. All of our extended family, most of our friends, many of my co-workers, and just about all of our kids' friends know. Telling my Dad was incredibly difficult and I stressed over it for a couple months. I wanted to do it in person and finding a time to do so wasn't easy as we don't live near each other. I didn't want to tell my own siblings until I had told my Dad and none of my siblings live near me either. I had to figure out how to tell all of them within a short period of time so no one was out of the loop. Telling my Dad turned out to be easier than I expected and has been a non-issue which I didn't expect. I expected the worst and couldn't have been more wrong. Family is very important to my Dad so his response was one of "I don't know much about transgender but I will educate myself and seek to understand." He immediately started using the new name and pronouns which is very hard to do. I still make mistakes sometimes.
As a parent you have a choice. You can reject your child and toss them out to fend for themselves or you can support them. Transgender people don't choose to be transgender. It is a very difficult way to live life. We have encountered several situations with kids who have been rejected by their families. These kids, with little to no family support, have a very tough life ahead of them. One of the posts mentioned a high rate of suicide - and it is absolutely true. Suicide is very common and from some of the things I've read, the lack of family acceptance and support is one of the primary factors behind it. We know of one suicide in the two years we've been working through this process.
Our decision was a no brainer. We chose to support our child as we love all of our children unconditionally. Like any parent will tell you, there are days when you don't love them very much as they drive you insane with some of the stupid crap they say or do but in the end, I cannot envision turning my back on any of my children. I say never but if one of them committed some sort of heinous crime I suppose I would but I hope we have raised them well enough that we won't have to face something like that. By choosing to support our child we have tried to set a good example for our other children. It has been interesting to watch how each of them have come to terms with what is happening in our family. Each of them has processed it very differently and over different periods of time. From shame and/or embarrassment, to "why is this happening to us?", to acknowledgement and acceptance, to now where we are now where it is a non-issue - the other kids, and myself too, each has moved through these stages at a different pace. For a while there were concerns about inviting friends over but we're past all that and for the most part we've settled back into every day life.
I won't tell you I understand what it is like to be a transgender person because I myself am not transgender. What I can share is what it is like live with and be the parent a transgender person and my observations and experiences with some of the things a transgender person has to deal with and I don't know nearly as much as my wife does. It takes an incredible amount of courage to put oneself out there every day as a transgender person. I don't know that I could do it. There is no shortage of shallow and bigoted people in this world and living in the south, we have our fair share. Fortunately Raleigh is a pretty accepting community and the immediate area is fairly well educated. From our experience, kids don't seem to care one way or the other. It is the older adults, mostly age 40 and older, who seem to have an issue with the subject of transgender and/or LGBT topics. I don't know how often our child has to deal with uncomfortable situations, it isn't a topic of regular conversation at home so my take is it doesn't happen a lot and for that we feel fortunate.
I will say the thing I probably struggle the most with is seeing old family pictures. We have years of family activities which are all well documented with tons of photos. When I see them it creates an unsettled feeling because those events happened and I don't want to pretend they didn't. There are a lot of happy memories from those trips and events. But at the same time, going through old pictures brings back periods of struggle for our child when we had no idea what was going on so when looking back on them, I have mixed emotions. How did we miss so much? Having old pictures around can also create awkward situations for people who didn't know our child previously. So for now, we've put them away to avoid creating any awkward situations for our child.
If you made it this far hopefully you a better appreciation of what transgender people, and really they are just people, and their families are facing. It isn't easy but I have seen all of my children say and do some pretty extraordinary things in very public forums that I never would have expected. They are all quick to recognize racism and bigotry in casual teenage conversation and much more apt to call their peers out on it as opposed to letting it pass.
I recently told a former co-worker over lunch that at my house we're essentially living episodes of Modern Family on a daily basis. Sometimes it really feels that way. ;-)
I'll do my best to respond to serious and sincere questions or comments if anyone has any. This being Benchwarmers I fully expect some typical BW banter. If someone wants to reach me off the board I'll make myself available in hopes that if another family is facing a similar situation, and odds are there is, I can be of some assistance.
Mpwalsh, thank you for sharing you very personal story and experience. From a serious standpoint it is probably the best post ever offered up on this board. Very interesting read and thanks for sharing again.
You mentioned early on that your wife started noticing things with your child and then began researching things on her own. If you don't mind me asking, what types of things did your wife notice? Just curious. Thanks.
You mentioned early on that your wife started noticing things with your child and then began researching things on her own. If you don't mind me asking, what types of things did your wife notice? Just curious. Thanks.
Thanks, I really appreciate the positive support. It gets easier to share this sort of information the more I do it but I still have no idea how people will react. Particularly a group of people who I don't really know other than as handles on what is mostly a college basketball message board.
While there were a number of dots my wife ended up connecting, there were probably two things in particular that got her headed down the path.
We had situations where clothing of opposite gender siblings would disappear for a while then show up somewhere else in the house. There is a lot of clothing that is fairly gender neutral and siblings taking each other's clothes has been happening probably for as long as there have been siblings with clothes another sibling covets. However, over time the frequency increased and the type of clothing became more gender specific.
The other thing we found, due to having to clean up a computer virus mess, was a bunch of questionable web sites in the browser history. I have our house set up with OpenDNS for all the kids computers and have also used CyberSitter (which is ok, OpenDNS is better, neither are foolproof). Kids are pretty smart about circumventing protections. Every kid has friends with older siblings who pass down the means to bypass whatever security you put in place. It is a constant game of whack-a-mole.
We do not let our kids have computers (or TVs) in their rooms. All of the computers in our house are in open areas (kitchen, study, family room). I have our router configured to turn off the internet for their computers and cell phones from 10PM to 5 AM on school nights, midnight on the weekend. If you ask my kids, I am the meanest parent in the world because "no one else has time limits" (which I know isn't true). But you can't be there all the time. Our house is no different than most families - the kids are all involved in different activities and go to different schools. Everyone is busy, we're all coming and going all the time. Kids get to a "responsible" age and you don't think twice about letting them stay home by themselves. You start putting them in charge of the younger kids when you need help.
Even with these protections in place there are a lot of questionable internet sites for the curious to find. Going through a list of 20-30 sites one night to see what they were was one of the more unsettling nights I have ever experienced. I was stunned at what our child was reading and viewing. The next day my wife went through them as well. When we talked to our child the explanation was not unbelievable - got a link from a friend and followed it, was curious, followed some more, and so on. As a parent you want to believe this is the case and a discussion about following our rules or losing computer privileges will put an end to it. So you check regularly for a while then you get busy and you stop checking because you haven't found anything until a few months later and a similar situation happens again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
So those are a couple of the things we experienced. There are more but for now I prefer to leave it fairly vague.
Mpwalsh:
Thanks for sharing. Your child is very fortunate to have parents as supportive as you and your wife. God bless.
One of the more interesting posts we've seen on here, appreciate you sharing. Though we've never met personally, and I've heard similar anecdotes on TV shows, I feel like you gain a new perspective when it comes from BW (similar to some people who have really opened up in TQ threads).
If you feel comfortable, how did the siblings take the news? It sounds like if they are anything like you and your wife, they are accepting.
If you feel comfortable, how did the siblings take the news? It sounds like if they are anything like you and your wife, they are accepting.
That is a wonderful post, mpwalsh. I'm sure your child realizes the unbounded love that obviously exists in your family. God bless all of you and I wish your child all the best for the rest of their life.
NickleDimer
Post 'Til Your Fingers Bleed
Thanks for stepping out and sharing, mpwalsh.
Do you feel that cyber-monitoring is an essential part of modern parenting?
How does your child express what it feels like?
Do you feel that cyber-monitoring is an essential part of modern parenting?
How does your child express what it feels like?
Curious about what age this all occurred, and what the next couple years may hold. Has their school situation had to change, or things like that. Just an amazing post. All parents for the most part have the constant worries that go along with the job. You listed most of them - it's this kind of thing that really separates the mere mortals from the legends. Great to hear how you handled it, and your family as well.
Good post. I agree that it takes guts - I won't even let a toll booth cashier catch me listening to Journey. I can't imagine the sneers and abuse transgender people must encounter.
If you don't mind answering, how has the Bruce/Caitlin Jenner situation affected your life? Is the exposure a positive in that it makes people more aware of transgender people? Or is it more hurtful in that it elicits public ridicule toward Bruce/Caitlin and your child by association?
Mpwalsh, thanks for sharing. I'm glad that what you feared the most, talking with your dad, turned out to be a non-issue. I think he set a great example for all involved. It's a subject that I don't have any personal experience with, but your post certainly helps me gain a much better understanding of the issue.
mpwalsh - great stuff.
Should Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner be getting a well publicized and televised sports "courage" award? I, for one, do not believe so. Renee Richards was courageous back in the day - Jenner has enough wealth and clout to have almost literally ZERO negatives in doing this at this time.
Should Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner be getting a well publicized and televised sports "courage" award? I, for one, do not believe so. Renee Richards was courageous back in the day - Jenner has enough wealth and clout to have almost literally ZERO negatives in doing this at this time.
Any parent who has or has had teenagers will know that they are some of the most selfish and self centered people on the planet. As I mentioned in my original post, we had the whole gamut of reactions: Anger, confusion, resentment, embarrassment, "why me?", "what will my friends think", "well that certainly explains some things", "how can I have friends over?" and many more. They certainly didn't all process it the same way or at nearly the same rate. The Five Stages of Grief very much applies to a situation like this. It certainly did for me. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't struggle with this myself. Still do sometimes. There were numerous times when I hoped this was simply just a phase our child was going through even though down deep I knew it wasn't a phase and this was now part of our lives going forward.
Since it has been a while since we told the kids I don't remember all the details. We had purchased several copies of the book I mentioned, Helping Your Transgender Teen, and asked each of our four kids to read it. Our youngest, who was always closest, and still is, to our transgender child, read it that night. No big deal, not many questions, immediately began using the new name. I've never heard a cross word between the two of them other than normal sibling bickering and even that is rare. The others took the book but didn't read it immediately and I am still not sure if one of the kids ever read it.
Like many things, acceptance comes over time. With one child acceptance was immediate and unconditional. With the other two it took much longer but they were older and had many mutual acquaintances so from a social perspective it was certainly harder for them. But over time it did happen and I believe it happened because we as parents tried not to make it a big deal. This is our family, this is our life, we're not going to change who we are nor how or what we do. We didn't stop doing stuff (dinner, movies, shopping, etc.) as a family but like any large family, rarely are all six of us doing something together but we try. Whoever is available and wants to come is always welcome.
As a parent the best thing you can do is set a good example and do the right thing. Sometimes it is hard and it certainly won't make you popular with your kids but hold your children accountable for doing the same. As John Rothstein tweets on a regular basis and I know he wasn't the first to say it - "Take the high road. There's less traffic." - anonymous.
Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.
I for one do not believe Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner deserves the award over Lauren Hill. She faced certain death head on and absolutely made a difference in a lot of lives. She didn't shrink from it and play the "woe is me" card. Lauren Hill deserves the award going away.
Going to try out the multi-quote feature here and answer a number of these.
I do feel cyber-monitoring is important. With the prolific use of cell phone their computer use is way down, mostly just for school. Almost all of their social activity is via the phone. You can stick your head in the sand and be ignorant of what your children do online but doing so is foolish IMNSHO. In our area Facebook is not very popular with the kids. Twitter, Instagram and SnapChat dominate their social communication. Other Apps seem to come and go but those three have staying power. Kids live on their phones. Having control over their cell phones is the single most powerful tool I have for punishment when needed. You can take away TV, car, ground them, etc. but nothing gets their attention like turning their phone off. They are cut off from their friends and everything going on in their lives.
When we first got our kids cell phones the rule was when it was time for bed, the cell phone stayed in the kitchen on the charger. So what do they do? Sneak back downstairs after my wife and I had gone to bed and text with their friends all night long. It is amazing how many kids are up at 3 or 4 in the morning on a school night texting each other. After playing this game with the kids for a while I subscribed to AT&T's Smart Limits. It cost $5 per month per phone but I can set up a schedule when their phone doesn't work and it happens automatically. I can do it via the web so if I am on the road, and I travel a fair amount, I can change it wherever I am. They have an App as well although it has some limitations. The only shortcoming it has is it doesn't have the ability to limit their data. I can turn it on and off but can't set a "not to exceed limit". That would be really useful because I have some data hogs and we have a shared data plan.
I do the same thing with the router at home. It has a schedule and their phone and computers follow it. It too has a web interface and an App so I can control it wherever I am. The AT&T stuff is pretty straight forward and even the barely technically literate should be able to figure it out. Identifying the MAC address for an iPhone to enter into the proper parental control field on the router is a little more involved. I recently replaced an ASUS router with a Linksys WRT1900AC and the parental control software is significantly easier to use as all of the devices are identified by name.
My kids hate (with a passion) "time limits" and are constantly lobbying me to extend them or turn them off completely. We make some exceptions and weekends are later than school nights but until they are out of high school, this is the deal as long as I am paying for the phone. Apparently we are the "only parents in the county who do this" but I know it isn't true because a number of other parents have asked for help setting it up.
We also use the Family Map tool. Are they kids actually where they say they are? They all know they can be located so after a couple of times of us calling them out on being some place they shouldn't be (like down near NC State when you are 17 years old), for the most part they tell us where they are going and stick to it and if plans change, they let us know.
The time limits are automatic so they are fire and forget. The Family Map is more of "just in case" tool. I don't use it a lot but if something seems suspect, we'll validate our kids are where they say they are. We held off on SmartPhones as long as we could but there comes a point where it isn't worth fighting. The older two kids had to wait for high school, the younger two in 8th grade on their birthday (our youngest doesn't have one yet).
The smartest thing I have done with cell phones is make the kids buy their own phone. After a couple of busted iPhones that I ended up paying the AppleCare repair fee for, I decided I wasn't going to put any of the kids on a contract. I look for deals on Craig's List for used phones and when I find one I buy it and then if one of the kids wants a better phone, they can buy it from me. It is amazing how much better care they take of their phone when it cost them $300 out of their own pocket. We have not had one broken iPhone since I went this route. The only person in our house on a contract is me and my work pays for it.
Not sure what you mean by your second question - "How does my child express what it feels like?" Is this related to being cyber-monitored or being transgender?
With regards to being cyber-monitored they hate it and are very vocal about hating it and will tell anyone who will listen to them how unfair it is.
With regards to what it feels like to be transgender, one thing we have learned is there is a lot about being transgender which is a deeply private issue and the person will decide if they want to talk about something. You don't ask about gender re-assignment, bathroom habits, and some other things. There are a number of etiquette lists, here is one from Cosmopolitan. If there is one thing our child wants more than anything is to simply be treated as any other person. Nothing special. Just a person.
I do feel cyber-monitoring is important. With the prolific use of cell phone their computer use is way down, mostly just for school. Almost all of their social activity is via the phone. You can stick your head in the sand and be ignorant of what your children do online but doing so is foolish IMNSHO. In our area Facebook is not very popular with the kids. Twitter, Instagram and SnapChat dominate their social communication. Other Apps seem to come and go but those three have staying power. Kids live on their phones. Having control over their cell phones is the single most powerful tool I have for punishment when needed. You can take away TV, car, ground them, etc. but nothing gets their attention like turning their phone off. They are cut off from their friends and everything going on in their lives.
When we first got our kids cell phones the rule was when it was time for bed, the cell phone stayed in the kitchen on the charger. So what do they do? Sneak back downstairs after my wife and I had gone to bed and text with their friends all night long. It is amazing how many kids are up at 3 or 4 in the morning on a school night texting each other. After playing this game with the kids for a while I subscribed to AT&T's Smart Limits. It cost $5 per month per phone but I can set up a schedule when their phone doesn't work and it happens automatically. I can do it via the web so if I am on the road, and I travel a fair amount, I can change it wherever I am. They have an App as well although it has some limitations. The only shortcoming it has is it doesn't have the ability to limit their data. I can turn it on and off but can't set a "not to exceed limit". That would be really useful because I have some data hogs and we have a shared data plan.
I do the same thing with the router at home. It has a schedule and their phone and computers follow it. It too has a web interface and an App so I can control it wherever I am. The AT&T stuff is pretty straight forward and even the barely technically literate should be able to figure it out. Identifying the MAC address for an iPhone to enter into the proper parental control field on the router is a little more involved. I recently replaced an ASUS router with a Linksys WRT1900AC and the parental control software is significantly easier to use as all of the devices are identified by name.
My kids hate (with a passion) "time limits" and are constantly lobbying me to extend them or turn them off completely. We make some exceptions and weekends are later than school nights but until they are out of high school, this is the deal as long as I am paying for the phone. Apparently we are the "only parents in the county who do this" but I know it isn't true because a number of other parents have asked for help setting it up.
We also use the Family Map tool. Are they kids actually where they say they are? They all know they can be located so after a couple of times of us calling them out on being some place they shouldn't be (like down near NC State when you are 17 years old), for the most part they tell us where they are going and stick to it and if plans change, they let us know.
The time limits are automatic so they are fire and forget. The Family Map is more of "just in case" tool. I don't use it a lot but if something seems suspect, we'll validate our kids are where they say they are. We held off on SmartPhones as long as we could but there comes a point where it isn't worth fighting. The older two kids had to wait for high school, the younger two in 8th grade on their birthday (our youngest doesn't have one yet).
The smartest thing I have done with cell phones is make the kids buy their own phone. After a couple of busted iPhones that I ended up paying the AppleCare repair fee for, I decided I wasn't going to put any of the kids on a contract. I look for deals on Craig's List for used phones and when I find one I buy it and then if one of the kids wants a better phone, they can buy it from me. It is amazing how much better care they take of their phone when it cost them $300 out of their own pocket. We have not had one broken iPhone since I went this route. The only person in our house on a contract is me and my work pays for it.
Not sure what you mean by your second question - "How does my child express what it feels like?" Is this related to being cyber-monitored or being transgender?
With regards to being cyber-monitored they hate it and are very vocal about hating it and will tell anyone who will listen to them how unfair it is.
With regards to what it feels like to be transgender, one thing we have learned is there is a lot about being transgender which is a deeply private issue and the person will decide if they want to talk about something. You don't ask about gender re-assignment, bathroom habits, and some other things. There are a number of etiquette lists, here is one from Cosmopolitan. If there is one thing our child wants more than anything is to simply be treated as any other person. Nothing special. Just a person.
It is hard to nail down exactly when it started but toward the end of middle school would be my guess. For a long time, we thought our child was gay. Our child thought the same. It wasn't until later in high school that the suspicion and ultimately confirmation of being transgender came to be. Finding a medical professional for our child to speak with took some time but was very helpful as the Dr. provided some valuable advice that we certainly couldn't.
Many experts suggest transitioning at logical breaking points in your life - entering college, move to a new city, etc. All seem to agree that the earlier it is done, the better the process is as the person has established less of their life with their old identity. Our child had planned to transition prior to starting college but when the time came, wasn't ready to do so. But the internal struggle really affected their ability to be successful in school and after a so-so first semester. It doesn't help that our child has struggled with ADHD as well so the self discipline required to succeed in college was also a challenge. Our child came out publicly during their second semester. This also had a pretty significant affect on school performance and we decided the best thing for our child was for them to be at home where we could ensure (a) safety and (b) make sure school work was being done, classes were attended, etc. We also decided to go the Community College route for a while to re-build academic confidence. I do believe the struggle with gender identity had a major impact on our child's academic success, particularly later in high school and definitely in college. It is hard to imagine how it wouldn't.
About a year ago my wife was approached by a neighbor who was looking for a summer intern to do some Adobe Illustrator work (a skill our child has and is very good at). This summer internship has since been extended several times and has turned into a year long stint working for a company which designs and sells mobile apps. It looks like it will come to an end after a year is up in a couple months but our child has been doing this job from interview, to being hired to first day of work with their new identity from Day 1. The success in this job has done wonders for our child's confidence and in my opinion has been the single most important thing that has happened in the last year. The fact that our neighbor, who has known our child for 10+ years, was willing to accept the same person with a new identity into their company because of their ability and skill was huge and I can't thank him enough. His willingness to do so got our child out of a pretty severe funk.
I have no idea what the next couple of years hold. We're taking things one day at a time and trying not to project out too far or set unreasonable expectations. I expect our child to go back to school in the fall and possibly move in with some friends. This concerns me a bit, not because of being transgender, but because of the ADHD and making sure they are where they need to be doing what they need to do. School is a very ad-hoc schedule, no two days are the same. Work is Monday-Friday from 9-6. Our child is much more successful with a regular schedule and it has nothing to do with being transgender. It was the same way in middle school when kids first start experiencing different schedules each day.
Not sure I understand what you're asking with this question but I'll take a stab at it.
Transgender people become very adept at hiding and withholding information. Lying is very common. They're confused, they're ashamed. They want to fit in but don't so they tell people what they think they want to hear. Lying becomes a habit to the point they lie about things that are easily known to be untrue and for no reason. Our child did a lot of this and even now still does sometimes even though they have no reason to. It simply becomes a habit and like many habits, can be hard to break. I would say the lying was and is the biggest character issue I have a problem with.
If you were referring to something else please clarify.
Time will tell if the Caitlin Jenner coverage and discussion will make a difference in our lives. It certainly has brought the topic out into mainstream media so there are more people talking about it and curious. Are they train wreck curious or genuinely "seek to understand" curious? No idea. Certainly some of both I am sure. But I doubt there is a thread on BW if it wasn't for the Caitlin Jenner story and thus I'd have no reason to share what I've shared. So from that perspective, it has been positive. Hopefully putting a real story behind this subject removes some of the sensationalism of the topic for people.
I thought the interview with Diane Sawyer was well done. I didn't see it when it first aired as I was on the road for work but watched it on my iPad with the WatchABC App about a week later. Some of the things in the interview were relevant to our situation. Before seeing it we wondered how much of the Kardashian reality TV spin would be on it but there wasn't a lot. I don't watch the Kardashian's or ET or anything like that so I have no idea what the tabloid media is doing with respect to coverage.
NickleDimer
Post 'Til Your Fingers Bleed
Was there (or do you forsee) a point where this change becomes something that you don't think about anymore? No more turmoil, conflict, heightened awareness? It's just the new normal for you and your family? How do you get there?
Other than your generous and understanding neighbor's work opportunity, what else has been a big help to your child?
Other than your generous and understanding neighbor's work opportunity, what else has been a big help to your child?
I had avoided clicking this thread cause i figured it would be full of the same lazy jokes you see on the internet. Really glad mpwalsh came through with an honest and intelligent post on the realities of those who deal with transgender issues daily.
A few years ago I would laugh at these people - didn't dislike them but I thought it was just kind of silly. Weirdly enough, twitter is what changed my perception. For some reason basketball twitter and social progress twitter are closely linked. Over the years on twitter (been using it daily since 2010) i have encountered transgender people and their loved ones who have big hearts and presented their stories in a way similar to mpwalsh's and hearing their perspectives really changed my views. It takes a lot of bravery to be you who yoj feel you are knowing the backlash you will face. The cancer playing basketball player made me cry, but I have 0 issue with Caitlyn Jenner being recognized. It's a new frontier and a sign that the world is becoming a better place in many ways. I look at it the same way as closeted homosexuals of past generations. I'd much rather someone be their self than go through life depressed - and we all know that suicide and self harm are rampant among transgender people. If Caitlyn makes life a little easier for them, why not? It doesn't hurt any of us.
A few years ago I would laugh at these people - didn't dislike them but I thought it was just kind of silly. Weirdly enough, twitter is what changed my perception. For some reason basketball twitter and social progress twitter are closely linked. Over the years on twitter (been using it daily since 2010) i have encountered transgender people and their loved ones who have big hearts and presented their stories in a way similar to mpwalsh's and hearing their perspectives really changed my views. It takes a lot of bravery to be you who yoj feel you are knowing the backlash you will face. The cancer playing basketball player made me cry, but I have 0 issue with Caitlyn Jenner being recognized. It's a new frontier and a sign that the world is becoming a better place in many ways. I look at it the same way as closeted homosexuals of past generations. I'd much rather someone be their self than go through life depressed - and we all know that suicide and self harm are rampant among transgender people. If Caitlyn makes life a little easier for them, why not? It doesn't hurt any of us.
One thing i'd like to add - the people on facebook and such saying "Caitlyn Jenner isn't a hero - our soldiers are the real heros" have to be the most annoying people on the internet. When their kids learn to ride a bike do they say "nice job Mikey, but you don't have courage like our military members"
I thought I had answered this question over the weekend but since I don't see it I am not sure what happened to my reply and there is nothing in the draft window either. Odd. Anyway ...
I don't envision a time when I don't think about at all. This has been a major change to our lives and because it isn't all that commonplace, it isn't something your just brush off like a bad haircut and move on. That said, we're already at the point where I don't think about it a lot and the day to day stuff we deal with as a family is pretty typical and 98% of the time, having a transgender child doesn't affect it one way or the other.
So from that perspective, I guess it is our "new normal" although I am not sure there is such thing as "normal". Instead, I would use a term like "equilibrium" to describe life these days. We have reached a point of equilibrium where we don't have wild swings one way or the other and there isn't a new surprise to deal with every few days. The number of people we interact with on a regular basis who don't "know" is much smaller than the number of people who "know".
Other than the job opportunity which I mentioned the other day, by far the biggest help to our child has been my wife's unwavering advocacy for our child. A lot of families, even supportive ones, leave the "figuring out the legal and medical stuff" for the transgender person to take care of. Had our child been older, there is a good chance we may have done the same but a teenager has little idea how things like the DMV, banks, the court system, medical forms, insurance, etc. all work My wife helped our child navigate the bureaucratic maze where the default answer to just about any question is "no". The maze of bureaucracy would overwhelm just about anyone much less a transgender teenager.
Good post snottie. I sort of am in the same boat as you. I had always dismissed things like this because I never had any personal experience with it. And I still don't - but after reading through mpwalsh's posts I have a little bit better understanding of this. I don't want to say something like - I can't imagine what mpwalsh and his family went through like this is a bad thing. It may not be what we or the rest of world is used to, but in the end all that matters is your own family and their happiness. I've had no idea who mpwalsh is or know anything about him as a person. But 1 thing I can say with certainty is that he is a great father. It's crazy to think about how many kids/people have been/are in the same boat as his child and have either kept it in or have been shunned from their families or society. I am glad that we live in a world know where we have a better understanding of things like this and people can freely be themselves instead of pretending to be something else and living a miserable life.
Howard Eskin with a typical CoP response to last night's ESPYs
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/...ard-They-need-the-freak-show-for-ratings.html
http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/...ard-They-need-the-freak-show-for-ratings.html
I agreed with Bob Costas' opinion on the matter until I actually watched Jenner's speech last night. I thought, like Costas, that this was just ESPN/ABC exploiting her for ratings but her message was great and appropriate for the event's main demographic to hear. Young people and jocks could use some extra messaging about tolerance and this was a great opportunity.
That said, my favorite part was seeing the confused/repulsed look on some of the tough guy athletes in the audience. Only the BET Awards would have been worse.
That said, my favorite part was seeing the confused/repulsed look on some of the tough guy athletes in the audience. Only the BET Awards would have been worse.
Haven't finished reading the thread yet, but mpwalsh - Tremendous post. You and your wife seem like incredible parents. My kids are very young, but at times I do think about how I would handle a situation like yours. You have given me some valuable insight. Thank you for sharing.
not sure how true it is, but I heard that Jenner only did the interview with Diane Sawyer if he was promised that ESPY